Stormy Speaks

Stormy Weather is opry.com's exclusive columnist. A veteran, though self-described "young and trendy music industry insider," Stormy takes readers along as she moves gracefully within Nashville’s elite inner circles and shares her own first-hand observations, take-no-prisoners opinions and juicy commentary on the movers and shakers inside Music City's illustrious entertainment industry. Read it from Stormy like you won't read it anywhere else.

Smouldering Ashes--All that Remains of Jared Ashley

It’s the simple things like a run-of-the-mill case of the flu that humbles Stormy. A fever hotter than Rascal Flatts’ new CD. Bedhead that would rival Ronnie Dunn’s rooster hair on his best day. Out of concern for country music’s most talented artists, Stormy declined invitations for at least three star-studded Music Row events this past week. If only Stormy could tell you which chart-topping hottie sent flowers to lift Stormy’s spirits. Oh, the envy, but these chapped lips will never tell. However, it was the love and support of Stormy’s dedicated and devoted readers that gave her the strength to get out of bed just in time for this week’s Nashville Star show.


And was Stormy glad she traded in those tissues for her dancin’ shoes. What could possibly be better than a live performance of “Honky Tonk Badonkadonk” by Trace Adkins? Well, Stormy slipping into her VIP seats in the Acuff Theatre only to notice the adorable Jody Evans seated not even a stone’s throw from Stormy. You might recall that Stormy had a borderline obsession last season with Nashville Star Jody.


Well, Stormy acted with the utmost professionalism as one might expect. Almost. Stalking is such a harsh term. To quote Trace, Stormy “hates to see Jody go, but she loves to watch him leave.” So she did. All the way to his car. Stormy needs to know who that woman was on his arm . . . manager, agent, stylist. Oh, Stormy gets a real workout just jumping to conclusions. She’s convinced it was Jody’s sister. Even if he doesn’t have a sister, it was Jody’s sister. Suddenly Stormy needs some of that Prilosec OC that judge Phil Vassar is always hawking.


Jody Evans and Matt Mason in one night. If that weren’t enough, Matt sings “Folsom Prison,” directly to Stormy. Being that talented should be a crime, Mattie. Those sideburns are killing Stormy. And that sense of humor, shooting a Nashville Star judge? Don’t worry, Mattie. If you went to prison, Stormy would bring an endless supply of magazines and cigarettes. And pomade for that hair. Speaking of hair, Stormy was instantly recognized by Crystal Gayle. The cordial thing for Stormy to do was make her way over there and ask about Loretta, but Stormy was simply too carried away with the show. Note to self: Drop Crystal a note and promise to do lunch.


Speaking of crimes, Stormy would be remiss if she did not acknowledge the fashion offense that was Wynonna’s jeans. If you can’t avoid paint splatters, Wy, simply don’t paint on show days. Personally, such home maintenance is Stormy’s excuse to hire handsome young men and watch them work.


Casey Rivers, Stormy commends you for dipping into the well of the late, great Conway Twitty for that country classic “Goodbye Time.” However, Stormy closed her eyes, and she heard . . . nothing more than Blake Shelton. Sure, the crowd went wild; Phil got chill bumps. But contrary to what those judges say and at the risk of offending Casey’s loyal fans, Stormy thinks the song title sums it up most appropriately: “Goodbye Time,” Casey. And how presumptuous, Casey, to have already selected next week’s song. Do you know something we don’t?


Chris Young, if you don’t make it to the final two in this competition, Stormy has but two words for you: Miranda Lambert. “Don’t jump in the pool next week without making a big splash,” the immortal words of judge Anastasia (or whoever is writing her quips). It’s moments like this that Stormy is convinced that Anastasia dwells in the shallow end. All the time.


Nicole Jamrose, Stormy feels you were stretched to your vocal limits on “Bye, Bye” during the Phil Vassar Greatest Hits Volume I tribute segment. And your second Jo Dee Messina cover, "Bring On the Rain," did not impress Stormy either. Stormy predicts a third song in the Jo Dee trilogy: “Lesson in Leavin'” my dear. You've put a lead foot down on that accelerator, baby.


And now the moment Stormy’s dedicated and devoted fans wait for, the judges recap. Stormy begins with Anastasia’s delightful ponytail. It brought back childhood memories for Stormy. Years ago, Stormy was quite the equestrian, competing on her faithful horse Princess. Well, sometimes Princess needed a prettier tail for the competition, strictly for cosmetic purposes. In the backroads of Stormy’s memory, it looks just like Anastasia’s ponytail. That’s not entirely bad though because Princess was a looker and a champion.


Stormy must say that she appreciated Miss Patti LaBelle’s candor. And could someone let Phil know that he has but two more weeks to endure. That’s two more trendy t-shirts, and approximately five more sugar-coated comments for the remaining contestants. You still have time to impress Stormy, Phil. Tom Cruise fathered a child; surely you can conjure up some emotion, can’t you?


Jared Ashley, Stormy bids you a fond farewell. We can only hope that we shall see you on the final show in just two weeks.


With just two weeks remaining, Stormy is filled with anticipation. Combined with next week’s appearance by Hank Williams Jr., it’s almost more than Stormy’s flu-ravaged body can endure. Bring all of your rowdy friends, and join Stormy for the big show. Until then, I’m Stormy Weather . . . and I’m seeing stars. . . Nashville Stars.