Stormy Speaks

Stormy Weather is opry.com's exclusive columnist. A veteran, though self-described "young and trendy music industry insider," Stormy takes readers along as she moves gracefully within Nashville’s elite inner circles and shares her own first-hand observations, take-no-prisoners opinions and juicy commentary on the movers and shakers inside Music City's illustrious entertainment industry. Read it from Stormy like you won't read it anywhere else.

Shy Doesn't Cut It On Nashville Star

Stormy eagerly settled into the Acuff Theatre for her own personal version of March Madness . . . Nashville Star IV. As one might expect, Stormy attracts her fair share of attention and obvious stares from an enthusiastic crowd like the one on hand for Tuesday’s show. The fans were rabid. As much as Stormy has become a fixture at Nashville Star shows, the anticipation of Gretchen Wilson taking the stage had whipped the crowd into a frenzy.


Stormy, too, greatly anticipated the “Redneck Woman” herself taking the stage, yet Stormy was filled with dread. The very thought of facing Larry the Cable Guy’s hairy armpits disturbed Stormy. You might recall that Stormy’s seats are located very close to the judges’ table, being the VIP that Stormy is and all. Well, listening to incessant urgings to “Git ‘R Done” by this would-be cable repairman was almost more than Stormy could imagine tolerating. But, for the sake of her legions of loyal fans and devoted readers, Stormy settled in for an unbelievable evening of entertainment.


Not that Stormy has ever once been mistaken for a “Redneck Woman,” but she certainly does appreciate the talented Miss Gretchen Wilson. Quite honestly, Stormy was expecting “Here for the Party” or “Redneck Girl,” but what a joy “California Girls” was! The lyrics simply struck a chord in Stormy’s cold, cold heart. Oh, the times Stormy has dirty danced to Merle is just scandalous. And then Gretchen invokes the name of one of Stormy’s greatest heroes and all-time fashion icons, Miss Dolly Parton, it moves Stormy. And, yes, that was Stormy holding her cell phone high above her head on “Politically Uncorrect.” (Stormy’s no smoker, and her only lighter is for burning letters from old boyfriends and overzealous fans. Well, that’s only half true--Stormy actually holds onto those fan letters.)


He’s not the “quiet storm,” Stormy deems him the “Perfect Storm,” Mr. Matt Mason. Stormy just watched Walk The Line for the 15th time last night, so she couldn’t help but compare that hair and those sideburns to the Man In Black himself, Mr. Johnny Cash. But then, Mattie, you tease Stormy with those Dwight Yoakam moves. Mattie, if you were “Born To Boogie,” then Stormy was put here to boogie with you. Soon.


In her cute little videotaped intro, Nicole Jamrose warned us that she would be “maximizing her space.” Well, Nicole, the last time Stormy heard that phrase, Stormy’s interior designer was trying to determine where to place Stormy’s new plasma TV. Rarely has Stormy heard it used in the musical context. “Pour Me” really seemed a fitting tune, in Stormy’s humble opinion, because Stormy could have used another shot of whiskey herself.


Jared Ashley’s performance of “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” left Stormy dazed and confused. No, not because she was amazed at how terribly much it sounded like Big and Rich, but because Stormy and that sleeveless Larry shared the same opinion. There is indeed a first time for everything.


As for Melanie Torres, granted the judges may love you, but Stormy is simply not impressed. If your vocal stylings were as tight as your jeans, you might have impressed Stormy more. Call Stormy a cynic--and rest assured, Stormy has been called worse--but after your lackluster performance, Stormy’s “give a darn is busted,” too. Let Stormy dig a little deeper. Nope. Sorry. Nothing. Oh, go ahead, write Stormy spite-filled letters and say mean-spirited things behind her back, but Stormy simply doesn’t get it.


By the way, Judge Anastasia, if your philosophical musings were as deep as that v-neck blouse, we would all be awe-inspired by your career-guiding advice. But they’re not, nor are we. Stormy might suggest a few moments getting to know the writer who provides your rigidly delivered lines. Uttering “umm, let me see” as you were critiquing one contestant was weak Anastasia. Terribly weak. Stormy’s advice for Judge Phil: get a spine! Phil seems to have lost his passion for the show, don’t you think? However, if the writers have created this good cop, bad cop scenario for Phil and Anastasia, it has reached a state of arrested development. Someone call 9-1-1; we’ve lost Phil.


Going into this week’s show, Stormy was really undecided about Chris Young. However, Stormy is willing to consider the possibility of Chris progressing in this competition based on his performance of Charlie Daniels’ barroom anthem “Drinkin’ My Baby Goodbye.” Oh, if only that worked. Many a barstool in Music City has played host to Stormy as she tried to prove Mr. Daniels--Charlie that is--right.


Stormy feels as if she was robbed by Casey Rivers and his performance of “Modern Day Bonnie and Clyde.” For Stormy, that was the most uninspired drive north on I-95. For Travis Tritt, that song simply smokes, but Stormy could not find one fan to flame here. This tune ran out of gas long before Casey got anywhere near Richmond. Stormy recommends you call for roadside assistance and fast.


“Guys Do it all the Time” Monique LeCompte, they really do. But if you, Monique, plan to do this one more time, Stormy might suggest taking it up a notch. Stormy was one of your greatest cheerleaders just a week ago, but after this performance, Stormy doesn’t even know where she left her pom poms. And she’s even less inspired to search for them. Just thought you should know.


Finally, Kristen McNamara chose what Stormy considers to be a sacred selection from Miss Reba McEntire’s repertoire, the incomparable “Fancy.” In Stormy’s own mind, when Stormy performs her own concert before 50,000 screaming fans, Stormy performs “Fancy” after her second intermission. Yes, Stormy, in her own mind, is that fabulous; she takes not one but two intermissions. And when Stormy sings “Fancy,” every word is audible, because Stormy’s audience demands that. And, in Stormy’s concert in her own mind, she channels “Fancy,” and she wears a satin dancing dress with a slit on the side clean up to her hip. Not an outfit like Kristen’s, one that would be considered only slightly overdressed for a day of yard sale hopping.


Shame on you, America, for sending little Shy Blakeman home! Left to amble off that stage in his bare feet. Stormy could not help but shed a tear for Shy. You, the voting public, fired yet another bullet, this time, right into Shy’s hillbilly heart. Dust off those feet, Shy, and carry on!


Speaking of carrying on, Stormy must do so as well. Here’s hoping Phil perks up and Anastasia rehearses more before next week’s show--maybe more practice and less spray-on tan? As for Stormy, she will crank up those Kenny Rogers tunes on her IPOD and prepare for all the “know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em” references that we’re sure to endure next week from Anastasia. Meanwhile, I’m Stormy Weather, and I’m seeing stars . . . Nashville Stars!