Stormy Speaks

Stormy Weather is opry.com's exclusive columnist. A veteran, though self-described "young and trendy music industry insider," Stormy takes readers along as she moves gracefully within Nashville’s elite inner circles and shares her own first-hand observations, take-no-prisoners opinions and juicy commentary on the movers and shakers inside Music City's illustrious entertainment industry. Read it from Stormy like you won't read it anywhere else.

No "Jewels" in this Nashville Star Crown

Stormy simply cannot believe that yet another sensational Nashville Star season is upon us. You may know that judges Phil Vassar and Anastasia Brown have returned, along with one rotating judge’s seat. Well, just don’t be surprised if you find Stormy at the judges table. In the words of her good friends and guest judges Big & Rich, who better to put a little bang in your ying yang than Stormy?


While Stormy waits for that phone call, she is parked in her VIP seat at the Acuff Theatre to bring you every detail . . . along with more than her fair share of bold comments and critiques of each week’s show. And speaking of bold comments, well, Stormy can’t let co-host Wynonna’s hair go unnoticed. Sister Friend, was your colorist playing chicken with the train?


Casey Rivers, a 23-year-old Texan, must know that the way straight to Stormy’s heart is, well, a George Strait tune. But Stormy has two recommendations: less of that glistening hair product and nervous banter when chatting with Wynonna. For you, Stormy predicts that less is more and that includes idle chit chat and pomade, unless you are George Clooney in an O’ Brother Where Art Thou? sequel, and you are not.


Melanie Torres, 28, a Nashville transplant from New Mexico, is our resident beauty pageant queen. Well, Miss Melanie, Stormy says pile that long hair atop your head and make it big. Country legends who paved the path before you did it--Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn-- Faith Hill did it in her video for “Like We Never Loved At All,” and, well, LeeAnn Womack wears a similar style just to run to the grocery. Be bold--the higher the hair, the closer to God! Be bold, and you, Melanie may very well have indeed stirred your last batch of gravy, hon.


Indiana brings us Nicole Jamrose, age 34. Stormy would have never picked “Pickin’ Wildflowers” for you. Now, Nicole, of all the songs in all the world, and you had to choose this one? If you are going to bring those adorable children to the show for shameless self-promotion, at least find song material worthy of your voice. And a top with a little less shameless self promotion for a mother of two.


Chris Young, 20, channeled the adorable Joe Nichols with “Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off.” Young Chris, you have no idea what tequila does to Stormy. Well, it has much the same effect as your performance. It makes her sit, still, very still, much like she did because the performance didn’t move her one bit. Stormy suggests you up the ante and take it up a notch. A cosmopolitan--now that makes Stormy stand in her chair, screaming at the top of her lungs. You, Chris, need a cosmopolitan song.


New Mexico’s second contribution, Jared Ashley, 29, totally unnerved Stormy with those akward hand gestures at the end of the chorus of “Hicktown.” Stormy was instantly taken to River City, Ohio, and Harold’s performance in The Music Man. Stormy’s fellow Broadway fans know that it works for Harold, but not so much for Jared.


Monique LeCompte, 23, brought it home for Stormy. Not only did Monique own that song, but she did it without the benefit of one super-hot duet partner Tim McGraw. Forget Naomi and Ashley, Stormy wouldn’t be surprised to see Monique on the next Oprah episode with sister friend Wynonna. And don’t let that Big & Rich duo discourage you by telling you you’re not country, Monique. It’s not the first time the pot has called the kettle “black.”


Well, Shy Blakeman, 24, Stormy is more than saddened about your tragic encounter with a dangerous assailant. She’s even more disturbed that you took a bullet directly in your precious face. But Stormy feels she should warn you; that story has already been beaten to death by Tracy Lawrence. Stormy also feels compelled to tell you that people do attend concerts to hear, not just see, the show. And don’t even get Stormy started on that first name.


California’s Kristen McNamara, 20, you are just as cute as a button. And how refreshingly surprising was that performance of “Cowboy’s Sweetheart”? Granted, most of your viewing audience has never heard of Patsy Montana. When you hit the stage, Stormy saw Britney Spears, but she heard a voice that had Stormy on her feet. Stormy, too, wants to be a Cowboy’s Sweetheart. A real cowboy who can two-step his way into Stormy’s heart. You could sing at Stormy’s wedding to that real cowboy.


Oh, Matt Mason, 20. “Touch Me, Turn Me On, and Burn Me Down.” Did you see Stormy, a mere pile of ashes where once sat a woman? Stormy melted at the mere glimpse of those sideburns. Thank goodness Nicole chose “Pickin’ Wildflowers.” Had you sung that song, Stormy would be covered in virtual dirt and hives--a few stray blades of grass strewn throughout her hair--has anyone seen my feather boa? (Stormy is quite allergic to wildflowers, but for you, Matt, she would suffer.)


It takes a bold girl to cover Montgomery Gentry, Jewels Hanson, 31. MIght Stormy offer her opinion here: the word “gone” should never be stretched into an entire chorus. Stormy hates to point out the obvious, but the song title says it all. And the judges agreed. “Gone like yesterday, bang, bang.”


Before Stormy turns her thoughts to next week, she must take a moment and hjghlight her favorite moments from our judges: Anastasia playing street tough as she urged Nicole with “game on!” Stormy is certain Anastasia uses that same edgy, take no prisoners attitude when Anastasia’s favorite manicure appointment is taken. And, Phil , for whom it was simply a struggle to try to stay awake. Darn those blooming Nashville trees; Stormy can’t hold her anithistamines either. And Big & Rich, John Rich telling Chris Young to keep his tongue in his mouth. Come on Big & Rich, you know you’ve both seen worse.


Stormy returns next week to recap another can’t-miss-a-minute episode. Until then, I’m Stormy Weather, and I’m seeing stars . . . Nashville Stars.