Stormy Speaks

Stormy Weather is opry.com's exclusive columnist. A veteran, though self-described "young and trendy music industry insider," Stormy takes readers along as she moves gracefully within Nashville’s elite inner circles and shares her own first-hand observations, take-no-prisoners opinions and juicy commentary on the movers and shakers inside Music City's illustrious entertainment industry. Read it from Stormy like you won't read it anywhere else.

Stormy’s Week Five Feather Flocking

In case you haven’t heard, what happens in Miami at the Super Bowl stays in Miami at the Super Bowl! What a weekend. In just a few days, Stormy and Dina are set to make it two in a row with this Sunday’s big Grammy Awards bash in Los Angeles. Tune in next week to find out if what happens at the Grammy’s really stays at the Grammy’s. Hmmm… meanwhile, on to the week’s most exciting drama, Nashville Star.


Look, Jewel forgot to wear her pants! Last week, it was a “girls night out” and this week, it was “gams night out.” For the sake of clarification, was that the same Jewel working the long legs who was urging Whitney Duncan not to make it about looks, but make it about the music? What a marvelous role model you are, Jewel. And, should Stormy ever tip the scales beyond her sleek and toned size-two, she need only stand next to Robot Troy and that hideous belt buckle, guaranteed to make the most gargantuan look tiny.


Randy, can we talk about that hair? Randy’s song selection was most appropriate since he looked much like a man who had just come down from the mountains. Stormy isn’t so sure she likes Alabama-lite; Randy needs Teddy, Jeff and Mark. Randy, debuting yet another fabulous find from his this-should-really-go-to-Goodwill jacket closet, barely had time to hand off his guitar before racing to the judges table to catch his breath. And did anyone notice Randy and Anastasia dancing at the close of the show? Wait, Stormy takes that back. It wasn’t really dancing, now was it? It was more like Randy tossing Anastasia around like a dish towel. Stormy has never witnessed two people with less rhythm. Two perfect candidates for the Arthur Murray Dance School. Oh, and Anastasia apparently saw the movie based on the life of Marie Antoinette and decided to wear that blouse as her own personal tribute. Was that a hint of sun that Stormy noticed or just a well-applied touch of bronzer? Either way, it was appreciated.


Now, Stormy thought it was incredibly gracious of the judges to let all five contestants perform, but could the producers have made it any less exciting? Losers first! Would the anticipation not have built to a mind-numbing crescendo had they left everyone wondering who among the five was going home? Oh, no. Instead, the show was immediately divided into the haves and the have nots. Keep in mind, this competition is nothing like the Miss America pageant, where the one not chosen has the slim chance of getting to step up and take over the official duties if, oh, say, the winner goes off to rehab or something. Could the producers have made it any more obvious that no one was going home? That was just about as exciting as watching paint dry. Actually, it was less exciting.


With only three weeks left, Stormy’s most dedicated fans know that it’s time to take off the kid gloves and let the feathers fly. Stormy’s first feather flocking of the week: Joshua Stevens. Stormy has finally decided that Joshua looks like he could be Keach Rainwater’s child. Compare the photographs. It’s uncanny. Then we have Jewel and Joshua, bonding over their moms in that clip. Dr. Phil would have had a field day. You’re probably thinking, "Stormy, how can you attack a guy who sings about his never-there mom?" Well, it’s simply not working for Stormy. It’s too bad and it’s too sad, but Stormy isn’t feeling the love for Joshua any longer.


Second feather flocking of the week: Whitney Duncan. Find better answers to simple questions. It’s not as if Jewel asks you your thoughts on quantum physics, nor does Stormy ever expect to see Whitney on Meet the Press some Sunday morning. But really, Stormy is over the shallow answers, delivered with that "I’m-blonde-so-I-tilt-my-head-and-raise-my-eyebrows" look instead of thinking. That "don’t-hate-me-because-I’m-beautiful" attitude is only going to get you so far. Stormy realizes that was harsh, but Stormy does have some positive comments for Whitney. Gotta love a girl who sings about skinny dipping, especially when it’s a chilly 17 degrees outside. That song reminds Stormy of “It Sure Feels Good Out Here in the Water,” the debut single from Rebecca Lynn Howard, who Stormy’s dear friend Don refers to as a “poor man’s Martina McBride.” As far as Stormy is concerned, skinny dipping ranks right up there with drinking, cheatin’, mama, cowboys and trucks as far as good country song content.


Third feather flocking of the week: Zac Hacker. "If It Wasn’t for the Whiskey?" How dare you, Zac, make Stormy’s mascara run like that? First Joshua, then you! Stormy is sending the bill for her Prozac to you! Second, we must address your father's jacket. Stormy was afraid the fringe on those sleeves was going to take out at least ten audience members. White sweatpants on mom last week, and now this weapon of a jacket? It’s time to have a fashion sit-down with the 'rents.


Fourth feather flocking of the week: David St. Romain. DSR, love your voice; hate your wardrobe. There is not one redeeming quality about it. Well, at least there are no wardrobe malfunctions to speak of unless you count boring the audience to death. Does that adorable little girl of yours spit up on all of your fabulous clothes? Speaking of the little one, kudos to DSR and the wife for practicing safe audio for their little one with that adorable little headset she was sporting. But it’s sad when your infant daughter has better fashion sense than you. “Vanilla and forgettable,” Anastasia said. Well, Stormy believes Anastasia was referring to her own skin tone last week with that comment.


Fifth feather flocking of the week: Angela Hacker and that braided ponytail. Stormy hasn’t seen anything like that since she stopped playing with her My Little Pony collection many, many years ago. Take it from Stormy, the fashionista, losin’ that wouldn’t be a total loss. Let Stormy reiterate: you, Zac, the parents, sit down, hug it out, talk about the clothes. As for Angela’s song; loved it. But Stormy has a soft spot for a good man bashin’ country song. Don’t be surprised if you hear about Stormy wowing the crowd with that one down at Krazy Karl’s Karaoke.


Sixth and final feather flocking of the week: out-of-nowhere Lance Miller. Get a hairstyle that flatters your face, dear. That’s a country sound you’ve got going for yourself, boyfriend, but that hairdo is simply not working for you. Just thought you should know.


Stormy has left a sea of feathers in her wake. And she simply can’t wait for next week. Could it be abundantly clear who Stormy feels will be taking that Nashville Star anti-galactic walk next week? As you’re reading this, Stormy and Dina will be soaking up the sun in LA, awaiting Sunday night’s big show. You won’t believe what Dina is wearing. All the details next week. And Stormy is so excited that next week’s show begins at 9:05 p.m. (Central). Can’t wait to see what that’s all about. The drama is intense as season five comes to a close. It’s spa time for Stormy and Dina, so, until next week, I’m Stormy Weather, and I’m seeing stars . . .Nashville Stars.