Stormy Speaks

Stormy Weather is opry.com's exclusive columnist. A veteran, though self-described "young and trendy music industry insider," Stormy takes readers along as she moves gracefully within Nashville’s elite inner circles and shares her own first-hand observations, take-no-prisoners opinions and juicy commentary on the movers and shakers inside Music City's illustrious entertainment industry. Read it from Stormy like you won't read it anywhere else.

Stormy Weather: Stormy Takes a Bite Out of the City That Never Sleeps

… “Don’t be fooled by the gossip that I got; I’m still Stormy, Stormy from the block” … Did Stormy say “gossip?”  Well, she meant news, as in New York news. Stormy has been in Mid Town, uptown, downtown, and now she’s back in town after having taken a gigantic bite out of the big apple.

Where does Stormy begin? Aside from the nonstop parties, Stormy had a list of places to be and be seen that was as long as LeeAnn Womack’s hair extensions. Rubbing shoulders with Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon at the red carpet premiere of Walk the Line (let Stormy just go on the record and say that Joaquin is hotter than a pepper sprout!), the Grand Ole Opry at Carnegie Hall and the CMA Awards at Madison Square Garden. Oh my, it makes Stormy’s head spin just recollecting. And those were just the evening events. Lest Stormy forget to mention Brooks & Dunn boot scootin’ atop the Madison Square Garden marquis and Sara Evans belting it out at Gotham Hall. Country music stars were as plentiful and sparkling as rhinestones on one of Porter Wagoner’s Nudie suits.

The Opry’s amazing return to the renowned Carnegie Hall was nothing less than incredible. The sounds were beautiful and so were our Opry ladies. Trisha, you made Stormy’s heart ache with “Trying to Love You,” but you made that same heart proud in that beautiful black and white gown (which must have been her theme for the week, as she also graced the stage at the CMA’s in black and white). Alison Krauss, you were pretty as a Patsy Cline black and white photo from 1961 when you stood up and sang “She’s Got You.” And Martina McBride’s “Independence Day” has arrived—you’re alone at the top of Stormy’s fashion list for the night, Ms. McBride. Between the three of you and your eight male counterparts standing shoulder to shoulder singing “Will the Circle Be Unbroken” to close the show, Stormy’s heart filled with Opry pride. A big shake of Stormy’s boa to each and every one of you.

Now let’s not waste any time getting to country music’s big night--the CMA Awards show. Stormy is wrapped up in her one-size-fits-most Grand Ole Opry robe, and she feels like sharing some stories. Go ahead, change into your jammies and get comfy. Unless, of course, you visit opry.com at the office and jammies might be a dead giveaway.

Now, the novice viewer may not appreciate the weeks, days and hours of preparation that go into a television appearance of this nature. Of course, Stormy does. It’s one of those few nights when a good stylist is every bit as important as a good song. After hours of maneuvering a web of electrical cords and jockeying for mirror space and good lighting, country’s divas emerged into a sea of flashbulbs that quite honestly blinded Stormy from time to time. Stormy gained a whole new appreciation for Trace Adkins on her first trip down the red carpet. Not Stormy’s first red carpet, but her first red carpet trip of many that evening. (Yes, the guys walked the red carpet, too. And, Stormy didn’t walk the red carpet, she worked it. You might even say she owned it.) As Stormy was saying, at 6’ 6”, Stormy was able to use Trace’s body as a human shield between herself and the paparazzi. Trace, along with Willie Nelson, captured Stormy’s heart and her award for “Best Ponytail on a Male.” Trace will never know how much Stormy appreciated his help. Until now, of course, because he told Stormy that he reads every column. Twice.
 
Speaking of readers, one very concerned Stormy follower from Gadsden, Ala., recently inquired as to why Stormy refers to herself in the third person. Well, devoted reader, where do you think Garth Brooks got the idea to speak of “Garth” in the third person? And, secondly, devoted Gadsden reader, you are concerned as to who allows Stormy “to continue to keep the rumor mill going?”  Well, devoted reader, Stormy does invoke the “gossip” reference in line one of this column. However, be assured that Stormy does not repeat “gossip,” dear reader. Why, certainly not. In the words of those beloved Hee Haw Honeys, one must “listen close the first time.”  And, by the way, the answer to your final question may be found in the “Meet the Opry” section of opry.com.

Now, back to the red carpet. Stormy approached Joan and Melissa Rivers with some trepidation. With concern that those two might not do our country stars justice, Stormy kept a close eye--and ear--on these two. After two hours of fighting the unmistakable urge to grab the microphone from Joan’s micro-derm abrasion-laden hands, Stormy brings to you Stormy’s Top Five red carpet Joan & Melissa moments. One: Melissa, in a moment of sheer brilliance, referring to the legendary Kris Kristofferson as “Mr. Campbell.”  It was fun to watch Mr. Kristofferson as he slowly drifted out of the camera shot. Second: Plugging Shawn King’s (wife of CNN legend Larry) new CD--In My Garden. Fine, except it’s actually entitled In My Own Backyard. Third, Joan Rivers directing the question “Are they yours?” not to Dolly Parton’s ample assets but to Julie Roberts teeth. Four, Alan Jackson’s keen ability to see through all of Joan’s plastic surgery and show respect for his elders by answering each and every one of Joan’s question with “ma’am.”  Fifth and finally, Alan’s wife Denise and her ability to remain charming after an aggressive line of questioning from Joan as to whether or not they paid for their outfits. The look on Denise’s face could have melted Joan’s. Honorable mention to Gretchen Wilson for having traveled the greatest distance in such a short time in her ability to handle the media with such finesse.
 
From the red carpet to the main floor for the big show.  Stormy could not have been happier to sit down. No, her feet weren’t hurting; Stormy was simply surrounded by a galaxy of country stars. Stormy isn’t certain, but she feels quite confident that she heard Miss Katie Couric scream as the night’s first performer was revealed--“I’ve-got-a-29-inch-waist” Kenny Chesney. Is it really cool for guys to promote such a thing? Kenny’s waist measurement is just slightly greater than Two-Foot Fred’s height.

Stormy must assume that Kenny is just darn proud of the fact that, unlike Renee Zellweger, he and his personal trainer have a rock-solid relationship. Which brings us to the first award of the evening: Single of the Year-- “I May Hate Myself in the Morning.”  Oh, the anthem of Stormy’s life, and it won!! Other than the obvious reason stated in this amazingly country song, there are lots of reasons one could hate oneself in the morning and LeeAnn, that dress is one of them. And Stormy is going to leave it at that.

Speaking of traditional country music, the living embodiment of it, along with LeeAnn Womack, is surely Ms. Sara Evans (Stormy’s pick for second best dressed on the red carpet) along with Gretchen Wilson. Patsy Cline and Tammy Wynette were exchanging some pretty enthusiastic high fives in Hillbilly Heaven after Sara’s “Cheatin’,” LeeAnn’s “20 Years and Two Husbands Ago,” and Gretchen’s “I Don’t Feel Like Loving You Today.”  Meanwhile, they were puzzled as to where Kix Brooks got that pimped-out maroon-colored suit that he wore during the first half of the show. That’s what Stormy loves about her girlfriends; they would never let her leave the house in something like that (or that lime-green dress, for that matter, LeeAnn).

Speaking of girlfriends, does Wynonna not have a single one? Stormy watched as you bonded on national television with the very fashionable and tastefully dressed Oprah. Still, Stormy is uncertain as to which accessory was more shocking--the Miss Clairol catastrophe hair or the Michael Jackson glitter gloves. Stormy must ask “were you planning on directing NYC traffic after the show and you thought the glitter gloves would make it safer?”  In the future, when in doubt, just ask yourself, “Wynonna, would Oprah wear this?”  One moment’s hesitation and the item in question goes out the window. Stormy’s heart tells her that she might need to stage a hair intervention with you and Sugarland’s Miss Kristen Hall. Wonderfully talented ladies with misguided follicles.

Stormy just can’t go on without gushing about her very favorite triple threat, Mr. Keith Urban, or shall we say Nicole Kidman’s arm candy. Oh, how Stormy would love to go crawling through that five o’clock shadow that’s just almost a beard. Now, some might expect Stormy to be upset about all those rumors of a possible engagement. Well, she isn’t because Stormy has always lived by her Nanna’s advice:  “Never date a boy who is prettier than you.”  Stormy’s certain that Miss Kidman’s Nanna never imparted this wisdom upon her because Nicole would have to pass on Keith for the very same reason--he’s just prettier than Nicole.

Stormy must give props to the Opry’s own Mr. Bill Anderson who shared Song of the Year honors with co-writer Jon Randall on fellow Opry members’ Brad Paisley and Alison Krauss’ tear-jerking “Whiskey Lullaby.” Few people probably know that Stormy has yet to listen to that entire song--be it live at the Opry or on the radio--without a tissue. If that weren’t enough, now Stormy must try to hold it together during Brad’s “When I Get Where I’m Goin’,” featuring the angelic harmony of Alison Krauss (although those of you who watched at home may not know that it was indeed Alison singing with him and not Miss Dolly Parton who sings it with him on his album). Does Brad own stock in Maybelline, because there’s going to be a run on waterproof mascara if he keeps this up.

And speaking of drama queens, Stormy must admit disappointment in the three minutes of Sir Elton John’s time on the awards show with Miss Dolly Parton. Now, Stormy can certainly appreciate Dolly wanting to promote a song from her latest CD to sell more albums. As Dolly is so fond of saying, “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.” But Stormy wanted to see them vocally duke it out, note for note until the best wig won. And Stormy expected better fashion ensembles from both. Boo!  Hiss!!  Their performance is just four minutes of each of our lives that we’ll never see again.

What these two lacked in energy was made up for by Mr. George Strait. Was it just the energy that comes with being in NYC or too much starch in his Wranglers? Stormy still doesn’t know a word he sang, but Stormy thinks it had something to do with a “High Tone Woman.” Either way, it was invigorating for Stormy and George.

Did someone say “invigorating?” That brings to mind Miranda Lambert’s performance of “Kerosene.” Our little Nashville Star came to play and dance around, wildly, as if one’s feet were on fire. Could it be that this newcomer is lobbying hard … not to mention early … for a CMT Flameworthy Award? Speaking of hot, Stormy says if taking her beloved CMA Awards to New York means more of Jon BonJovi and Richie Sambora, Stormy says she wants to wake up in the city that never sleeps.

Well, Stormy is as short on time here as Alabama trying to deliver a really significant acceptance speech, so she’ll close with a few quick comments. Stormy’s Best Dressed award goes to the resplendent Miss Shania Twain, movie star glamorous. Mom-of-just-a-few-months Martina McBride, wow. Stormy loves a woman who puts more fabric into the train of her gown than the backside. Tres’ elegance!  Our own little Alison Krauss has legs, and she knows how to use them. Stormy can’t emphasize enough what Collin Raye sings-- “You can’t over love your underwear.”  Big & Rich, coordinate your onstage clothing with the outfits you wear in the pre-taped intro, please.  Dierks Bentley, you don’t have to beg Stormy with that steamy “Come A Little Closer” number. Stormy’s there. Stormy and Dierks could be next year’s Musical Event of the Year. Call Stormy. Collect. Fast.

Thank goodness Stormy can just cuddle up in her one-size-fits-most Opry bath robe and drift off to dreamland now. Thank goodness we’ll always have New York.